Monday, May 26, 2008

Just a note

JT's one year anniversary just passed on May 17th. We let balloons go at 5:15 the time that he left this world to go dance on clouds and play with the angels and most importantly to meet Jesus.

We also let a balloon go for a friend whose daughter is in Heaven with JT. I just know they enjoyed it and were having a grand time watching us.

I know I haven't blogged anymore of the story and for that I am really sorry. I meant to put a part of the story up everyday and by the time the one year anniversary was upon us, his story would be written down. But, well, emotions and life have gotten in the way. I am sort of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and especially about this. I want it to be perfect. I want it to tell the story of my son in a way that he would be proud of. That probably makes absolutely no sense but, sometimes I don't, lol.

I also would like to show that we would have never made it as far as we did without our faith. God was walking with us. We also had some great prayer warriors on our side and their prayers helped JT pull through everything. Even his death. He left us with a smile on his face and he left us calmly. He was at peace and in my heart of hearts I was too because it was what I had prayed for. If he had to go I wanted it with dignity, love, and peace. Surrounded by family and friends. That was all answered for us. I remember holding him and just telling how much I loved him and it was ok to not fight. I am going to include my letter to him that I wrote on my other blog. Then starting next week I am going to be writing the rest of the story. As Paul Harvey would say.



Dear Johnathan,
You left us for a better place a year ago today. I remember holding you and telling you I love you so much and that it was ok you could go. I wouldn’t be mad at you. I was excited for you. You would get to meet Jesus today. I told you don’t hang on don’t fight for us anymore. There is no reason to. You are tired you fought a great fight and I am proud of you.
You enriched my life far more than you will know. Because of you I met people and became friends with someone who loved you as much as I did. Who fought with you as much as I did and to this day we still love and miss you.
I miss so much about you. I sometimes wish I could just have one more moment with you. Where I could tickle your fat rolls and just stare at your face and shower you with kisses. I miss sitting with you and just laying my head on the bed and watching you sleep or the times when you would just play with my fingers. You were so amazed with fingers. After you came out of your heart catherization and I came back to see you that night. I came up to you fighting your vent and you pulled it out you wanted that no more. I can’t blame you. But, as soon as Jenny gave you her fingers you were just content as can be. She only had you that night and you played with her fingers for hours. And she enjoyed every minute of it. We just sat there all night and watched you and played with you and talked and we were just amazed as you were about your amazement with fingers.
You was a great son. You were all I ever would have wanted in a son and I got it. I was always amazed at your ability to be so calm and so content even when your body was failing you and you were going through so much. I know that was Jesus, he was walking beside you. He was holding your hand and comforting you and keeping you calm. He was tickling your fat rolls from Heaven to keep you content and happy I just know it.
You built up my faith and let me see a loving God who gently walks us through the forest who is there to lift us up when we have no strength left to do it ourselves. And believe me this last year there have been many days where I couldn’t with out his help.
When we found out that you wouldn’t make it home with us, I used to think how am I going to live with out you? I don’t think I can. God might as well take me with you because I won’t be able to live with my bubbas. My heart is still broken but, I am managing to put some of the pieces back together. I am beginning to see the blessing in my life that was all made possible because you came into my life and showed me that blessing can come in the smallest packages. It isn’t always the big things. It is the little things. Like being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face because I know in a few minutes Mikayla will be running to me telling me I awake Mommy, I love you. She has a wonderful way of making me feel so loved.
We were watching your video and she said hey that’s my Donthan. I said no, that is my Johnathan. She took my face in her hands and said NO Mommy that is Desus’s Donathan. I said you know what sweety? You my dear are right!
You my son, are in Heaven with Jesus. God gave you to me for a short while and back to Heaven you went. But, you will always be on my mind and in my heart. You are my son, you always will be but, you are Jesus’ too. I am so thankful you are being so well taken care of. I Know you are gloriously happy. Worshipping the Lord, dancing on clouds playing amongst the angels and eating chocolate pudding. Free of all the wires and procedures that you were encumbered with in this world. Oh how awesome it must be to be whole and healed like never before. I am thankful and excited for you.
So, until we meet again, my sweetness, I will be down here living, living a life that you have taught me that I need to live. No more hiding or running away from life. I will live it to the fullest because that is what you did while you were here. And I can’t see doing it any different than you did.
I love you!!!!!
Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling !!!!!!!!

Songs