Another Crushing Day.

Well, the next day our world came crashing down again. JT was only on food for about 12 hours and they took it away again. His old incision the first one from his NEC surgery was leaking again. I just couldn’t believe it. Why oh Why did these things keep happening? I just felt like something was fighting against our happiness. We were only allowed to be happy for a few hours then something else would happen. And it wasn’t a little something it was always a big something. No one had any answers for me that night. No matter how many I asked. It was those dreaded watch and wait and we have no idea answers. The ones I detest. All I could do was pray that God would heal it and let it close and heal on it’s own, I didn’t want him to have another surgery. They were talking surgery because they had no idea why his bowel was leaking. Maybe a stitch slipped, maybe it perforated? They just didn’t know, and I didn’t want to hear that.

I had put the crib up a few nights before because well, they said as soon as he was eating good he could come home. I don’t believe in Old Wives Tales, but, when you are trying frantically to find a reason for something that has no reason, well, you come up with things. I made my husband take it down immediately, I told him when Johnathan came home, he was sleeping in the bed, that is twice I put the crib up and both times he took a turn for the worse. I didn’t want anything to do with that thing. It just needed to go away and away it went.

I remember holding him and rocking him that night because he was so fussy. I know it was because they took his food away. I finally rocked him and almost myself to sleep and he slept that way for about 2 hours. It was nice just being able to hold him. Those were the parts I enjoyed the most. The holding him and rocking. Because for a moment, I could block out all the sounds and just feel his warm weight in my arms and nothing around us mattered. I would tell him what everyone was doing, and what we would do as soon as he came home. The great ideas I had for pictures of him. Some he crinkled his nose at other times he just looked at me like I was crazy.