Another surgery and Frustration

We found out that the next Wednesday he would be having surgery for ROP (Retinopathy of Prematurity) again. This would be 3 surgeries in as many weeks. It was getting old. Not for me but, for him. I just hated to see him hooked up to that vent again. They were hopeful that this would be the last eye surgery.
I remember Retta walking up to me and letting me know that things would be ok. She told me that she understands that it is hard to watch the babies go through everything that they have to go through and then when you feel things are looking up. That is when you get knocked back down again. The whole time she is beating me on my back. I really don’t think she understood how hard she hit people sometimes. But, it was comforting. It was comforting that if no one else did she always took the time to stop and say hi to me and give me a healthy pat on the back and just sit and talk with me for a minute or two. She’d also tell me she’d say kid, ya just gotta love him. If there is nothing else you can do you just gotta love him. She was like that. She so totally loved each of those babies up there. Like they were her own. She told me that if anything happened she would take JT home with her. She just loved him so much. She wasn’t the only one. Many of the nurses said that. And they all loved him so much.

When you are in the NICU, even if it is only for a week. They become a part of your family. They become advocates for your child. They think of your child as theirs. Which I felt was a good thing. Other people may not see this as that. But, I knew what was going on, I knew that if a decision had to be made and that I could not be reached for one reason or another, than, they would make the best decision because they knew what we wanted. And they respected that. They always rejoiced in his first just as much as I did. I remember on time Lisa was working with him and she had told me before I went up there that he had smiled a real smile at her. She told me this again when I got up there. As I was leaving to get something to drink she ran out the door because she couldn’t remember if she had told me yet. I just loved it. And you could just see the joy in her face over the fact that JT smiled a real honest to goodness smile at her.

I think he had that effect on everyone. They just loved him to pieces. I was very happy for what they did for us. And can never say thank you enough for all of the love they showed him during our time there. I really didn’t have any family support during this time. My husband didn’t go up a lot. He would stay home with the kids so that I could spend as much time up there as I wanted. But, I seen this differently at the time. None of my family could be here with me to support me. They lived over 100 miles a way and couldn’t be here. Mike’s family lived 10 minutes from the hospital and didn’t give us any support either. They were all afraid to even try to get close to JT. I took it as a snub. I really had bad feelings for them and still harbor a few. I think I just wanted everyone to love and experience him the way that Stacy and I did. I didn’t think of the oh it would be too hard for them. Because well, this is a baby we are talking about. A baby who needed to be shown all the love in the world. I came to realize though that JT had all he needed he was surrounded by people that loved him. Did not pity him. And were fighting right along with him. The few visits that he had with family members I felt very uncomfortable and strained. I was always afraid of them passing him germs and making him sick. Afraid they were thinking bad thoughts about him. Didn’t see him as I did. Just a baby. A cute little pudgy baby with a big personality. So, I guess in the end, looking back he had what he needed. God knew what he was doing even if I didn’t.