A reflection..

His poor tummy looked terrible. He looked like he had been put through it one to many times. At this time he had 5 scars. 1 from his pda ligation that was done when he was 5 days old. His fist bowel surgery when he was 10 days old. His ostomy site. His open heart surgery, and the surgery to reconnect. He had bumps and valleys everywhere.

Sometimes I would look at it and ask myself if it was worth it? Did he deserve to go through all of this? Why was he going through all of this? There had to be a reason. Surely, we couldn’t loose him now. Not after all of this? I asked God this all the time. Why him? Why any child? I looked around the NICU and seen babies everywhere that just had to fight to live in this world. Makes you wonder what they were thinking. I seen the parents we all looked beaten down but, ecstatic at the same time. I seen some parents that were there all the time and some parents I never seen. I never judged them because I know how hard it was to deal with a child in the NICU. There were days I didn’t think I could go in there and be cheery for him. But, I did because honestly, at that point in time he was my life. He was my heart and I loved him more than I could possibly love anyone in my life ever again. I know it is wrong to say that especially since I have other children. Not that I wouldn’t fight to the death for any of them. But, Johnathan I just seen and watched him and all that he went through because my body just couldn’t keep him in there and I felt I just needed to give him more love. I don’t know if that makes sense but, every minute of my day was JT. I had to get stuff done quickly. I had to make sure that this this and this was done, just so that I could get up there to see him just that much faster. Everything centered around him. My conversations with my husband when I did see him was nothing but, JT. I didn’t really do anything that wasn’t for him or to get to him. Everyone always asked me about him where ever I went that knew about him. People called me to find out how he was e-mailed me. It was all about him. As it should have been.