Anger

I have been reading alot of blogs of families that are going through really hard times. Their babies have trisomy 18. I have read their stories and prayed for them and although my son didn't have T-18, I can understand their feelings. The anger, the joy, the emotions that I have been going through just reading their entries. It has helped bring back memories of my time with Johnathan that I have blocked out. Not because I wanted to but, because I think that I had to. I had to to be able to cope and to live and make it this far. I can so associate with their anger. I had so much. And even though it isn't gone I understand.
My pastor said something at my son's funeral, that helped me so much. I thought that I was hiding my anger from God. Oh yeah, how do you do that? God knows my heart and it is an open book just laying open for him to read.

My pastor said: It is ok to be angry with God. David was angry with HIM. He let him know and look at the rewards that God laid at his feet for being honest and showing his true feelings to him.

Now, I can't quote scripture like some. I admire people that can do that. I remember the Bible like one would remember parts of a book. About the only verse I can quote to you is John 3:16: For God so loved the world that he gave his ONLY begotten son that who so ever believe in him should have eternal life.

Now, ask me to remember another verse and it isn't happening.

I have struggled these past almost 9 months with my relationsship with God. I try to steer clear of the Word. I see a bible verse, whoops I scroll fast. It scares me, to think that I can't read his word anymore. I am working on establishing my relationship back with Him.

And I know he is waiting for me to do that. And he is a kind loving father who understands that something devastating has happened to me he knows that I just need time. I pray, oh my goodness, do I pray. I talk to Him everyday. I thank him for the blessings that he bestows upon me even though I have been trying to hide from him. I praise him for the wonderful things he still does in my life.

It is just the Bible I can't pick up. I read the Bible to Johnathan all the time. I don't know why I can't read it for myself. I made sure that he knew who Jesus was before he met him. I didn't want him going to Heaven and not know the gift that was given us when he died on the cross. I wanted JT to know his story so that when he met him he could say I KNOW YOU.

So, then why can't I do for myself? I still don't know that answer. I know that I need to just mediate in prayer about it.

If anyone reads this sorry if it doesn't make any sense, I just have so many emotions running through me and I jsut write them as they come and that could be confusing for some people.

Thanks for listening.